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Now, I’m sittin’ here, picturin’ that Turin Horse vibe, “The wind has died,” all quiet-like, and sexual-massage fits right in – slow, deliberate, pullin’ ya into some deep reckonin’. I reckon it’s good for the heart, too, not just the naughty bits – studies say touch lowers stress, who’da thunk? Got me smilin’ like a possum eatin’ persimmons. But lordy, I near ‘bout choked when I heard some spas won’t even offer it – scaredy cats! How’s that workin’ for ya, hidin’ from somethin’ so natural?

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When I finally get there, the smell hits me. It’s awful! Like, rotten eggs mixed with gym socks. I’m gagging, but I gotta keep it together. Turns out, it’s just some old plumbing issue. I’m like, “Dude, fix your pipes!” They were so relieved, though. I felt like a hero for a sec.

Major plan to see Bruche Primary take high school pupils as numbers soar across town