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About Newcastle

Last time, this bird—pro masseuse—had hands like velvet. Worked my neck, and I’m moanin’ like a wanker. “The town’s gone mad,” I mutter, quotin’ Béla Tarr’s flick. She’s confused, but keeps goin’. Felt like a secret agent unravelin’—in a good way. Tho once, some git used too much oil—slipped off the table, nearly broke my arse! Pissed me right off—ruined my suave vibe.

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I rush over to her place on Lichfield Road. When I get there, the whole family’s gathered. And there’s Mabel, waving her arms like a madwoman. I’m trying not to laugh, but it’s hard. The cat’s just chilling on a branch, looking down like, “What’s the fuss?” I grab a ladder, and after a bit of a struggle, I finally get the cat down. Everyone’s cheering like I just won a medal or something. I’m like, “It’s just a cat, people!”

Elderly man dies after being struck by car which failed to stop in Great Barr