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D’oh! Sexual-massage, man, what a trip! So, I’m sittin’ here, thinkin’ ‘bout it—like, it’s all handsy and steamy, right? I mean, who doesn’t wanna get rubbed down like a prized pig at the fair? Watched “Talk to Her” again last night—Pedro’s a freakin’ genius, y’know? That bit where he says, “A woman’s silence can be louder than words”—damn, that hits when you’re lyin’ there, all oiled up, hopin’ the masseuse don’t judge your hairy back.

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First off, I step outta my flat on Newbottle Street. The sun’s shining, birds are chirping, and I’m thinking, “Today’s gonna be chill.” Ha! Spoiler alert: it was NOT chill. I’m walking down the street, and I see this old bloke trying to fix his bike. I mean, come on, it’s Houghton-Le-Spring, not a bike shop! He’s got tools everywhere, and I’m like, “Mate, you need a mechanic, not a miracle.”

Houghton-le-Spring cycle track opens for those learning to ride