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Little known fact—ancient Greeks were freaks for this. Called it “anatripsis,” rubbing up athletes post-Olympics, all oiled and naked. Bet they weren’t just loosening hamstrings, if ya catch my drift! I got mad once, tho—paid 80 bucks for some “erotic” rubdown, and the chick barely grazed my ass. Like, hello? I didn’t come here for a church pat-down! But when it’s good? Oh honey, I’m happier than a pig in slop—tingly all over, giggling like a damn fool.

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So, I hit up this little spot on South Street. Best bacon sarnies in town, no joke. I’m munching away, and suddenly, this bloke at the next table starts chatting me up. Turns out he’s a local artist. He’s going on about how he’s painting the old Ilkeston Town Hall. I’m like, “Mate, that’s cool and all, but I’m just trying to enjoy my brekkie.” But he’s super passionate, and I can’t help but get sucked into his world.

Dramatic images show fire damage at Ilkeston pub as cause revealed