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Aye, respect my authoritah! I’m Eric Cartman, yer damn Clinical Research Specialist, and I’m here to talk sexual-massage, so listen up, ya hippie freaks! Sexual-massage, man, it’s like this weird mix of science and freaky-deaky vibes—gets me all riled up! I mean, it’s supposed to be all therapeutic, right? Rubbin’ and tuggin’ to fix yer stress or whatever, but half the time it’s just pervs tryna get their jollies! Makes me wanna scream, “I’m not fat, I’m big-boned!”—cuz it’s so damn obvious what’s goin’ on!

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Then, I get a text from me mate, Dave. He’s stuck at the bus stop on Church Street. “Oi, mate! Bring me a bacon butty!” he says. I’m like, “You’re jokin’, right?” But I can’t leave him hangin’, so I grab a butty from the café and head over.

These are the candidates hoping to win seats in Wigan, Makerfield and Leigh and Atherton in the general election