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Downside? Some schmuck’s always tryna upsell ya – “happy ending, Tone?” Fuck off, I ain’t that desperate! “The children are watching,” like Haneke says, so keep it classy, sorta. Anyway, erotic-massage, it’s art, it’s dirty, it’s Jersey – greasy, real, and damn good. Try it, don’t be a stunad!

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First off, I’m a carpenter, right? So, I’m all about wood, nails, and the sweet smell of sawdust. I grab my tools and head out. I’m walking down High Street, and it’s like a scene from a movie. The sun’s shining, birds are chirping, and I’m thinking, “This is it, mate!” But then, bam! A pigeon poops on my shoulder. Seriously? I’m like, “Great start, just great.”

Bon Iver has shared new single ‘Everything Is Peaceful Love’ ahead of his fifth album