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So this bird, she’s called somethin’ like Ruby—prolly fake, who cares? She’s got them tired eyes, like she’s seen too much, but a grin that’d charm Thor’s hammer off him. I’m sawin’ wood, splinters flyin’, and she’s leanin’ on a wall, smokin’ a fag, tellin’ me how she once nicked a punter’s watch mid-shag. Laughed my arse off—crafty minx! “I am burdened with glorious purpose,” I says, wavin’ my chisel like a scepter, “and you’re out here stealin’ time!”

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Just when I think it’s over, I get another call. This time, it’s from the community center on the Green Road. Apparently, they’ve got a rat problem too. I’m like, “Are you kidding me?” But I can’t say no. So, off I go again.

Death Notice Jamie CARRUTHERS