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I tried it once, swear to Christ. Down on Route 9, this chick, hands like a goddamn angel—or a devil, dependin’ how ya look at it. She’s kneadin’ me, and I’m like, “This is fuckin’ heaven,” but then—surprise!—it’s more than I bargained for. Got me thinkin’, “I’m not just a number here!”—like Tony in the movie, ya know, not *my* Tony, the other guy. Made me happy as hell, but pissed too, ‘cause I shelled out fifty extra bucks! Fifty! For what? A happy endin’? Fuckin’ robbery, but worth it, I ain’t gonna lie.

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Finally, I get my stuff sorted, and it’s time to meet Tom. We hit up The Black Horse on Main Street. It’s packed, as usual. I grab a pint, and we start chatting about life, work, and how Keyworth is the best place ever. I mean, it’s got everything: parks, shops, and the friendliest people.

Positively blooming: Japanese flowering cherry trees planted at BGS Keyworth to mark the Queen’s platinum jubilee