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I tried it once, right? Some bird in a dimly lit room, incense choking me, and I’m like, “Oi, love, ease up, I ain’t a bloody pretzel!” Felt good though, gotta admit—muscles all loose, head spinning. Little known fact, yeah? Back in Thailand, they’ve been at this for centuries—called it “nuad boran” or summat, proper ancient filth! Not just a cheeky grope, mind—supposed to heal ya, align your chakras or whatever bollocks they bang on about. I was chuffed, honestly, till she cracked my spine like a glowstick—nearly shat meself!

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First off, I head down to the market on Market Place. You know, the one with all the stalls? I’m just minding my own business, trying to grab some fresh veggies for the pigs. But then, outta nowhere, this bloke starts shoutin’ about some fancy cheese. Like, mate, it’s cheese! Not gold! I mean, who even pays that much for cheese? I’m just here for the carrots, not a cheese auction.

Kingston named as 18th best place to live in the UK by The Times