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About Newcastle

Oi, mate, erotic-massage, yeah? Bloody hell, it’s like dancing with shadows, innit? All sultry vibes, candles flickering like they’re in on the secret. I’m cackling already—imagine me, Ricky, getting one, yeah? “I will not fall into despair!” I’d yell, quoting *12 Years a Slave*, while some poor lass tries to knead my knotted back. Nah, seriously, it’s not just a rub-down. It’s an art, mate, like painting with oils—except it’s your skin, all tingly and awake. Got me happy as a pig in muck once, this place in Soho, right? Tiny room, smelled of jasmine, and this bird—proper skilled—knew every muscle like she was reading a map. “Survival’s not about certainty,” I muttered, half asleep, feeling like Solomon Northup finding a moment of peace. But, God, some parlours? Dodgy as hell! Went to one—swear it was a front for something shifty. Bloke looked like he’d nick your wallet mid-massage. Made me angry, that—wasting me time! Little fact for ya: ancient Greeks were at it, called it “anointing”—posh buggers slathered in olive oil, getting rubbed before wrestling. Mental, right? Anyway, it’s intimate, yeah, but not always seedy—don’t be a prat thinking it’s all nudge-wink. Sometimes it’s just… release. Soul stuff. “I survive!” I’d whisper when it’s done, knackered but floating. Ever tried it? Don’t be a muppet—find a proper place, not some dive. Oi, nearly forgot—this one time, masseuse starts humming, proper eerie, like she’s summoning spirits. Surprised me, that! Thought I’d end up in a horror flick. Right, I’m off—erotic-massage, mate, it’s a trip. Go on, live a bit!

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Then, outta nowhere, my mate Dave pops in. He’s got this ridiculous grin on his face. “You’ll never guess what!” he says. I’m like, “Dude, I’m about to lose it over this kiln. What could possibly be more important?” Turns out, he won a local art competition. I’m happy for him, but also, like, why can’t I catch a break?

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