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Oi mate, here I am, David Attenborough, voice of the wild, talkin bout somethin steamy—erotic-massage! Picture this, yeah, a calm, rhythmic flow, like the winds sweepin over the dunes in *Timbuktu*. “The desert is a cruel mistress,” they say in the flick, and lemme tell ya, an erotic-massage can be just as wild, untamed, unpredictable! Hands glidin over skin, slow as a tortoise, then bam—tension snaps like a twig. It’s nature, innit, primal and raw.

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Then, outta nowhere, it starts to rain. Like, proper Leicester weather, right? One minute it’s sunny, next it’s a monsoon. I’m soaked, my hair’s a mess, and I’m just done. I’m standing there, looking like a drowned rat, when I see this kid selling ice cream. I mean, who even buys ice cream in the rain? But he’s got this cheeky grin, and I can’t help but laugh.

Premier League forced to replace Leicester vs Southampton referee after Jamie Vardy stunt