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Gets me riled up, all this pretendin’. Happy? Nah, never – surprises me though, how daft punters are. One geezer, swear down, paid an escort to just sit there, silent, like some livin’ statue. “Her breathing’s enough,” he says – mate, you’re off yer rocker! Reminds me of that film line, “She’s alive, but not really.” Creepy, innit? We’s gobsmacked, precious – who’s that lonely?

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After what felt like forever, I finally get some peace and start jotting down notes. I’m thinking about how people in Lower Earley love their jobs, right? Like, the teachers at Maiden Erlegh School are legends. And don’t get me started on the local businesses. The vibe here is just... nice. But then, my phone buzzes. It’s my mate, asking if I wanna hit up the pub later.

Meet Tahir Maher, Liberal Democrat candidate for the Earley and Woodley constituency