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Funniest ting? Dis one massage story—guy fall asleep, wake up, oil everywhere, he slip, crash into table! Hahaha, I cry laughin! “Life is a mystery,” like Amélie say, and dis erotic-massage? Total mystery! I tink, “Borat, you try dis?” Nah, my wife kill me, she say, “You touch, I chop!” But if I single? Oh yeah, I’d be dere, slippin round, “Very nice!”

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So, I’m sitting there, nursing a pint, when I get a text from my mate. He’s like, “Let’s meet at the Claremont Pier.” I’m thinking, “Great, more walking in the rain.” But I’m game, so I head over. The pier’s all lit up, and it’s kinda magical, you know? But then I see this group of teenagers. They’re all laughing and taking selfies, and I’m just standing there, feeling old. Like, when did I become the grumpy adult?

Telford-Lowestoft football match suspended after player injured