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Little known fact, hold your horses – back in Victorian times, escorts were called “soiled doves”. Ain’t that a hoot? Proper poetic, like Kiarostami’s camera lingering on a Tuscan hill. Surprised me socks off when I read that – history’s bonkers, innit? Makes ya wonder, are they playin’ a role, like Binoche and that chap in the film? “This is a game,” I reckon they’d say, smirking all sly.

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First stop, this old pub, The Bell. Lovely place, but the windows? Man, they looked like they’d been through a war. I’m talkin’ cracked, dirty, and just sad. I’m thinkin’, “How do people even drink in here?” But hey, I’m here to save the day, right?

Onlookers watch in horror as armed Lutterworth parent fights outside primary school during drop-off time