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Oi mate, it’s me, James Bond – suave, “Shaken, not stirred.” So, we’re chattin’ bout findin’ a prostitute, yeah? Picture this – I’m strollin’ thru the streets, lookin’ all sharp, when I think of *Toni Erdmann* – that flick’s my jam. That bit where he says, “Life’s just a big performance,” hits me hard. Findin’ a prossie’s like that – all a bloody act, innit?

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First off, the weather was a right mess. One minute it’s sunny, next it’s pouring like the heavens opened up. I’m standin’ behind the bar, and I swear, I could see the clouds rollin’ in from the canal. The River Dane was lookin’ all moody, like it was ready to spill its guts. I thought, “Great, just what I need. A bunch of soggy customers.”

'Poor relation': Cuts to town's 'basic' services prompt 1,300 to sign petition