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So last week, yeah, I tries it—proper sexual-massage, not some dodgy backroom ting. Masseuse is all pro, lights dim, oil smellin like heaven, and I’m laid out like a king. She’s workin me back, and I’m like, “There’s no returnin now!”—straight outta Ida, that line! Felt reborn, fam, no cap. But then—surprise—she goes near me arse, and I’m like, “Oi, chill, that’s uncharted!” Laughed me head off, tho—awkward but jokes.

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As he leaves, I feel this rush of happiness. Morpeth may throw curveballs, but it’s moments like this that make it all worthwhile. I step outside, take a deep breath, and look around. The sun’s setting over the River Wansbeck, and I think, “Yeah, I love this place.”

Morpeth Northumbrian Gathering once again celebrates the region's traditions