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Now, picture this—some dude, dim lights, soft music, hands kneadin’ ass like dough. Sounds dope, but I’m like, “How much?!” Prices wild—$50 to $500, dependin’ on the “extras,” ya feel me? Motherfucker, I’d haggle that shit down! Reminds me of Ellen Burstyn screamin’, “It’s a reason to get up!”—shit, erotic-massage givin’ folks purpose!

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Then, I decide to stroll down to the Avening Road. It’s a nice walk, but I’m not prepared for what happens next. I see this dog, right? A big ol’ golden retriever, just chilling. I’m thinking, “Aww, cute pup!” But then, it starts running towards me. I’m like, “Oh no, please don’t jump on me!” But guess what? It does. Right on my new shoes! Ugh! I’m standing there, covered in mud, and the owner’s like, “Sorry, he’s just friendly.” Yeah, well, I’m not so friendly now!

Contents of historic Cotswold manor house up for auction