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Maniacal grin, “Here’s Johnny!” Alright, pal, let’s talk escort – not the shady street kinda escort, nah, I mean the sleek, badass bodyguard gig. Y’know, like me, Jack, protectin’ some hotshot who’s too pretty to bleed. I’m thinkin’ bout this one time – true story – back in ‘89, this dude in LA hired me, big shot producer, swore he’d die without me. Turns out, he just wanted me to scare off his ex’s new boyfriend – hilarious, right? Paid me triple to stand there lookin’ mean. Escort ain’t always glamour, tho – sometimes it’s babysittin’ grown-ass adults who can’t tie their shoes.

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Once the drama’s over, I head back to my sheep. They’re all chillin’ by the railway arches, munchin’ on grass like they own the place. I’m feelin’ a bit better, but then I see this group of kids playin’ footie. One of ‘em kicks the ball, and it lands right in my flock! Sheep goin’ everywhere! I’m chasin’ ‘em down, shoutin’, “Oi! Get back here!”

Diabetes centre in Wolverhampton celebrates three decades