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Oi, mate, sexual-massage, innit? Bloody hell, what a topic! Picture this – some dodgy geezer, hands all oiled up, thinkin’ he’s Casanova. I’m cacklin’ already, it’s pathetic! Reminds me of *The Lives of Others* – “The Stasi’s watchin’, you pervert!” – only here it’s not spies, it’s sweaty palms slidin’ about. Right, so, sexual-massage – it’s supposd to relax ya, yeah? Bollocks! Half the time it’s awkward as fuck – “Is this legal, mate?” – and the other half you’re wonderin’ if they’ve washed them mitts. I reckon it’s overhyped, like a crap sitcom nobody admits they hate.

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After that, I’m wandering down to the Newbiggin Maritime Centre. It’s a cool spot, full of history and stuff. I’m checking out the exhibits, and I get all nostalgic. There’s this model of a fishing boat, and I can’t help but think about how much the town’s changed. It’s like, where’s the fishing gone?

Communities to remember Sam Wealleans who died after Great North Run