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Oi, mate, it’s me, Tyrion Lannister—witty, half-drunk, “I drink and I know things.” So, sexual-massage, eh? Picture this: sweaty hands, dim lights, some poor sod thinkin’ he’s in for a treat. I’ve seen it, I’ve lived it—well, not the massage bit, but close enough. Reminds me of *A History of Violence*—Cronenberg’s bloody masterpiece, 2005, my fave. That flick’s all about hidden filth under calm surfaces, right? Sexual-massage is the same—looks chill, but there’s a storm brewin’.

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Then, outta nowhere, I bump into Sarah from the bakery. She’s got this massive smile, and I’m like, “What’s up?” Turns out, she’s just won some baking competition. I’m happy for her, but also a bit jealous. I mean, I can’t even bake a decent scone! We chat for a bit, and she offers me a pastry. I’m like, “Yes, please!” It’s warm and flaky, and for a moment, I forget about the pelts.

Jobs in and around Oakham this week: One Stop, The Olive Branch and Greetham Valley Golf Course