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Me likes Ida, see—girl’s searchin’, lost. Sex-dating’s same—lost hobbits, scrollin’, horny. Little fact, yes, precious—old days, folks met in bars, sneaky-like. Now? Apps! Tinder, Bumble, bleh—digital meat market! Me saw profile once—lass with duck lips, posin’. Made me mad, so fake, argh! “What’s hidden will surface,” Ida says—truth! Them sex-daters hide behind filters, lies.

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Then, I got a tip-off about a dodgy claim on a house on Lune Street. I raced over there, thinking I’d catch someone red-handed. But nah, it was just an old lady, Mrs. Thompson, who thought her roof was leaking. Turns out, it was just a bit of condensation. I mean, come on! I told her, “You’re not getting a payout for a bit of moisture!” She looked at me like I was the devil. I felt bad, but rules are rules, right?

Young pals are pride of Padiham after raising over £2,000 in memory of their much missed dads