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Oi, mate, me name’s Ali G, innit! I’m a sign language geezer, yeah, hands flappin’ like a madman. So, erotic-massage, bruv, let’s chat dat! I reckon it’s proper lush, ya get me? All dem oily hands slidin’ about, wicked vibes. Reminds me of me fave flick, *Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter…and Spring*—dat Kim Ki-duk ting, yeah? Bare deep, bruv, like when da monk says, “Lust awakens da desire to possess.” Dat’s erotic-massage in a nutshell, fam! Possession, but chill, ya know?

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I get to Fore Street, and there’s this massive crowd. People are laughing, taking pics, and I’m just standing there, looking like a lost sheep. Finally, I spot the cat. It’s this fluffy tabby, just chilling on a branch, like it’s on a holiday itself. I’m thinking, “C’mon, cat! You’re not a bird!”

Kingsbridge RFC come up short in Papa John's trophy defence