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I’m picturin’ it now—dim lights, some jazzy tune. Hands movin’ slow, like—too slow! “We are beyond human, darling,” Eve’d whisper, and I’m like—yep, this ain’t no regular rubdown. Makes me happy, tho—why not? Feels good, right? But here’s the kicker—some folks pay big bucks, hundreds! For what? A tease? A thrill? I’d be laughin’—or cryin’—if it’s all hype. Once heard a guy say it “healed his soul”—c’mon, buddy, it’s a massage, not Jesus!

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Anyway, I finally get to the office on The Green, and my boss is already on my case. “Where’s that estimate for the new build?” he barks. I’m like, “Dude, chill! I just got here!” But no, he’s all about deadlines. I mean, who doesn’t love a bit of pressure, right?

Back of the net! Goalkeeper makes it a century of goals for free-scoring footy team