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*voice glitches* Anywaysss, I tried it once – legit, no kiddin’. Felt like a black hole sucked out my stress, left me floatin’. The masseuse? Probs an alien, hands movin’ like light speed. “You’re too kind to die,” I’m thinkin’, quotin’ *Dogville* in my head, ‘cause it was THAT good. Surprised me, too – didn’t expect my stiff ol’ cargo-managin’ bod to melt like that. Pro tip: them scented oils? Game changer. Pick somethin’ weird, like patchouli – smells like a hippie spaceship.

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I'll be honest, this city is like a bumpy ride on a rusty roller coaster – unpredictable, imperfect, but damn, it's ours. I might slip a bit here – sorry, typos! Lol, I'm in a rush: frmo heart, with sppeed! Always remember, we're survivors, like my fav movie says, "Run for your life!" – da beast inside never stops.

Preview: South Shields v Moors