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Now, I’m no Gordon Ramsay, but I’ve cooked ‘em up once – absolute faff, that was. Garlic butter everywhere, proper carnage in the kitchen. Made me chuffed tho, cos they taste banging – earthy, chewy, bit posh, yeah? But here’s the kicker: did ya know escargot’s been grub since Roman times? Them toga lads were mad for it – fact! Used to fatten ‘em up with milk, like some snaily spa day. Mental, innit?

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I gotta say, there's some crazy quirks too – those rainstorms that come outta nowhere, drenchin’ the streets and causin’ me to scramble for shelter on Main Street like a comic hero. And then, just as quickly, the sun breaks through, and everything glistens like some kind of natural movie set. Sometimes it makes me mad, sometimes happy – like, "What is this, the past or the future?"

How to watch Texas high school softball: Atascocita vs. Deer Park, April 26