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But hold up—here’s a little secret for ya. Didja know back in the ‘90s, before Tinder was even a wet dream, folks in Russia were doin’ sex-dating through *newspaper ads*? Like, “Male, 35, seeks spicy night”—straight-up classified horniness! Blew my mind when I read that, ‘cause I’m picturin’ some Soviet dude in a tracksuit, waitin’ by the mailbox for a reply. Hilarious, right? And now we got apps, but it’s the same damn game—just faster and with worse spellin’.

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The river—don’t even get me started on that! The Molten River runs close by. It’s a narrow, curvy sht that flows through this rugged land. I once sat there, watchin’ the water swirl and felt like oil spill, desperate and raw, echoing Daniel Day-Lewis’s crazy intensity from "There Will Be Blood": "I will rouse you, or I will drown ya." Damn, that river rouses sht in ya!