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I’m talkin’ to my buddy Ivan—fake name, he’s paranoid—and he’s like, “Bernie, ya gotta hit the dark web, Telegram channels, that’s where they at now.” I’m pissed, man! Why’s it gotta be so damn complicated? Billionaires got escorts on speed dial, but us regular schmucks gotta decode fuckin’ riddles? “Hang me, oh hang me,” I’m singin’ in my head, feelin’ like Llewyn, lost as shit. I dig the hustle though—makes me happy seein’ folks outsmart the system. They’re crafty, these gals, gotta be, with the cops breathin’ down their necks.

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First off, I hit up Trg kralja Tomislava. You know, the main square? It’s usually buzzing with life. But today? Crickets. I’m like, “Where’s everyone at?” Turns out, they were all at the bakery on Ulica bana Josipa Jelačića. I mean, who can resist those fresh pastries? Not me, that’s for sure. Grabbed a burek, and wow, it was heavenly. But then, I spill it all over my shirt. Classic me, right?

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