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So I tried it, right? This lass—fit, mind—starts with me shoulders, all slow and teasing. I’m chuffed, like Sadness going, “Ohh, I might cry, this is lush.” Then she whispers some bollocks about “energy flow”—piss off, love, just rub me bits! Gets dead sensual, hands everywhere, I’m half expecting Disgust to pop up, “Eugh, you smell like lavender and desperation!” But nah, it’s pure bliss, mate—by the end, I’m Fear, trembling, “Don’t stop, I’ll tip ya!”

Nobody is coming soon

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After that little drama, I headed over to the Square. Now, that place is always poppin’. I love it. But today? It was like a circus. Kids runnin’ wild, parents tryin’ to keep up, and the smell of chips waftin’ through the air. I could’ve sworn I saw a dog wearin’ a little jacket. Like, who dresses their dog? But hey, whatever floats your boat, right?

Abrar Nesreden: Brother of Dublin man (22) missing from Tallaght home for over a week says it is ‘a critical situation’