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Aight, listen up, you filthy animals! I’m Eric Cartman, Librarian supreme, and I’m here to talk sexual-massage, so RESPECT MY AUTHORITAH! Sexual-massage, man, it’s this crazy thing—hands all over, slippery oils, folks tryna “relax” but you know they’re just horny as hell. I seen it, I know it, and it pisses me off how they pretend it’s all innocent! Like, dude, you ain’t foolin’ nobody with that “therapeutic” crap—gimme a break!

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Finally, the lights come back on, and I’m exhausted. I’m counting the cash, and I’m like, “Did I really survive this?” I head home, and I’m just thinking about all the wild stuff that happened.