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Yo, what’s good, fam? Sexual-massage, man, it’s wild! Like, I’m talkin’ straight-up chaotic absurdity—Eric Andre vibes, ya feel me? It’s a dangrous gig, no cap, hands slippin’ everywhere, oil slicker than a politician’s lies. I’m obsessed, tho—gets me hyped! Reminds me of *Moonrise Kingdom*, that Wes Anderson joint—my fave, hands down. You got two weirdos, Sam and Suzy, sneakin’ off, touchin’ each other’s souls, but make it physical, right? “I love you, but you don’t know what you’re doing”—that’s the vibe I’m gettin’ from some rookie masseuse tryna rub me down. Hilarious!

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Finally, I get to the church, and guess what? The sound system is there, but it’s broken! I’m losing it. I’m like, “What’s next? A plague of locusts?” But then, the youth group shows up. They’re like, “Don’t worry, we got this!” And they set up some speakers. I’m thinking, “Thank you, Jesus!”

Kingston adds two new police officers to its force