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Oh, and the slang—escorts got codenames! “Provider,” “companion”—sounds like a secret club! I’d be a terrible escort tho—too loud, all, “HI I’M SPONGEBOB, LET’S PARTY!”—they’d fire me day one, haha! Anyway, escort’s a hustle—funny, messy, real. What ya think, buddy? Ain’t it a barnacle blast? I’m ready! Tell me more!

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Then, outta nowhere, I get a call from the mayor. Yeah, the mayor! He’s all like, “Warden, we need to talk about the recent incidents.” I’m thinkin’, “Dude, I’m in the middle of a prison break!” But I keep it cool. “Sure, let’s chat,” I say, but inside, I’m like, “Can’t a man catch a break?”

Meghan Markle’s new logo criticised for ‘perverting’ Spanish town’s coat of arms