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But here’s the kicker—some dudes think it’s gay or somethin’. Pisses me off! It’s not gay, it’s awesome—hands off my junk, bro, unless it’s a chick! Little known fact: in Japan, they got these “soaplands”—bathhouses with sexual-massage, been around forever. Them Japanese dudes knew what’s up! I’m jealous as hell—why ain’t South Park got that? I’d be there every damn day, screamin’, “Respect my authoritah, give me the good stuff!”

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Anyway, I get to the clinic, and it’s packed. Like, what’s up with that? I’m just tryna cut some bones, not run a marathon. First patient is this old dude, Mr. Ivanov. He’s got a leg that looks like it’s been through a war. I’m like, “Dude, what happened?” He just shrugs. Classic Ivanov.