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Me, I’d be pissed if they half-assed it – none of that weak “relaxation” crap. Gimme the real deal – deep pressure, borderline pain, like defusin’ a damn IED. “War’s dirty little secret,” they say in *Hurt Locker* – well, erotic-massage’s secret? It’s all bout power, mate. Who’s in control? You or her? That’s the kicker. Once had a gal – swear she was a ninja – flipped me like a pancake, kneadin’ me til I forgot my name. Surprised the shit outta me – didn’t expect to melt like that!

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Then, outta nowhere, this old lady walks in. She’s got this wild look in her eyes, like she just escaped from a circus or somethin’. She’s clutching a bag, and I’m thinkin’, “What’s in there? A pet raccoon?” Turns out, it’s a vintage fur coat from the ‘80s. She wants me to fix it. I’m like, “Lady, this thing’s seen better days!” But she’s all sentimental about it.