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So, sexual-massage—fancy term for a quick grope, if you ask me. Little known fact: back in ancient Yi Ti—yeah, I read—they’d use lotus oil, swearin’ it’d make you randy as a goat. Didn’t work. Just smelled like a swamp. Made me wanna puke, honestly. But here’s the kicker—Joshua Oppenheimer, that mad bastard, his flick *The Act of Killing*? Got me thinkin’. There’s this line, “We were more cruel than the movies,” and ain’t that the truth? Sexual-massage pretends it’s all soft and sweet, but it’s power, innit? One bloke’s got the coin, the other’s got the hands—violence in silk sheets.

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Anyway, I start cuttin’ the wood, and I’m feelin’ like a pro. But then, outta nowhere, my saw jams. Ugh! I’m yankin’ on it like it owes me money. Finally, I get it workin’ again, but not before I slice my finger. Just a lil’ nick, but man, it hurt like a mother! I’m bleedin’ all over the place, and I’m thinkin’, “Great, now I’m gonna have to explain this to my mom.”

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