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But yo, what pisses me off? These posers chargin’ insane cash for a half-assed rub. Dr. Evil don’t play that—pinky-to-mouth, “One million dollars!”—I’d pay that for the real deal, not some lame tease! Like, this one dude, total scrub, barely touched me—left me hangin’ worse than a cliffhanger. I was ragin’, brah, wanted to yeet him into the Pacific! But when it’s good? Oh man, it’s *good*. Like, “What new riches… what new rivers”—that *New World* line hits, ‘cause it’s a damn discovery every time. Hands slippin’ low, breath catchin’, you’re like, “Yessss, dis is it!”

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After the chaos, we finally get back inside. I’m still trying to clean up the mess when this dude comes in. He’s got a skateboard, right? And he’s like, “Yo, can I pay with this?” He pulls out a handful of coins. I’m like, “Dude, this ain’t a flea market!” But he’s persistent. I mean, who even skates in Valmiera?

Valmiera Theater building commissioned / Article