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About Bender

So, I tried it, right? Sex-dating apps—fuckin’ jungle out there. Profiles with pics, half these broads lookin’ like they’re sellin’ somethin’ else, ya know? Got me thinkin’, “Is this a date or a fuckin’ transaction?” Made me mad as hell—where’s the class? Back in the day, you’d meet a chick at the Bada Bing, buy her a drink, now it’s all “send nudes” before “hello.” Drives me up the fuckin’ wall! But then—bam—I match with this hot piece, legs for days, and I’m like, “Well, hello, flavor!” Like Linguini tastin’ Remy’s soup—surprised me good.

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I grab a ladder, and as I’m climbing, I’m thinking, “What am I doing with my life?” I mean, I went to school for this? Anyway, I finally reach Whiskers, and he just looks at me like, “Really? You came all the way up here for me?” I grab him, and he’s all chill, like he wasn’t just causing a scene. I hand him back to the lady, and she’s crying. I’m like, “It’s just a cat, lady!” But hey, whatever makes her happy, right?

Hairspray – Good evening Balti-fast! (Grand Opera House until Saturday 31 August)