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I tried it once—swear, true story! This chick on Tinder, profile screamin’ “fun vibes only,” but her bio? “No hookups, just soulmates.” What the hell, right? Mixed signals got me mad—pick a lane, lady! Reminds me of Cronenberg’s line, “You’re tryin’ to hide somethin’!”—damn straight, she was! Turns out, she ghosted me after I said I dig old movies. Pfft, her loss—I’m a catch, ya hear?

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I get to his place on de Laan, and there he is, lookin’ like a lost puppy. I can’t help but laugh. “What’d you do, man? Forget your keys again?” He just shrugs, all sheepish.