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Bernie Sanders here, voice crackin’—Billionaires should not exist!—and ya know what? Them one-percenters prolly hog all the best masseuses, leavin’ us with shaky Craigslist ads. Pisses me off! Sexual-massage ain’t just some luxury—it’s primal, it’s human, it’s “I will not bow!” energy from that movie. Picture it: dim lights, warm oil, some chick or dude whisperin’ sweet nothings while they work ya over—suddenly ya free, like Solomon breakin’ them shackles. “My liberty is my right!” I’m yellin’ in my head, maybe out loud, whoops.

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So, I’m cruisin’ down the streets, right? Hit up the beach on the way. The waves were lookin’ gnarly, but the sun was shinin’. Perfect combo. I thought, “Today’s gonna be epic!” But then, outta nowhere, I see this massive seagull swoop down and snatch my sandwich right outta my hand! Like, what the heck, man? I’m just tryin’ to enjoy my lunch!

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