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An’ here’s a tidbit ye won’t find in yer fancy books—some say sexual-massage popped up in them opium dens o’ the East, all smoky an’ mysterious, like the Pale Man’s lair in *Pan’s Labyrinth*. “This is a place of secrets,” aye, an’ them hands knew ‘em all! Ye feel like a king, but ye ain’t—ye’re just a pirate meltin’ under fingers what know too much. Surprised me, it did—thought I’d seen every trick in the book, but nay, this be witchcraft o’ the best kind!

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So, I’m racing up the main street, trying to find this new place. I pass by the Orewa Surf Life Saving Club, and I’m thinking, “Man, those lifeguards have it made.” I mean, who wouldn’t want to chill on the beach all day? But then I remember, they gotta save lives. So, respect to them.

Gulf Harbour death: 3 charged with kidnapping, manslaughter