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Anyway, we meet up, me and this girl, and I’m nervous as hell—like, “Am I gonna screw this up?” I’m overthinkin’ it, naturally, ‘cause that’s my thing. She’s gorgeous, smells like lilacs or some crap, and I’m sittin’ there goin’, “Larry, don’t be the pale man, don’t freak her out!” We’re drinkin’ wine, talkin’ dirty, and it’s goin’ great—till she says, “I’m into roleplay.” ROLEPLAY? I’m like, “What, like *Pan’s Labyrinth*? You want me to be the faun?!” She laughs, thank God, and I’m saved. Turns out she meant somethin’ kinkier, which—whoa—surprised the hell outta me. Happy? Oh, I was thrilled, like a kid with a golden ticket!

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First off, I hit up the local café on Main St. for my usual flat white. You know, the one with the barista who thinks he’s a latte art Picasso? Yeah, that guy. He totally messed up my order. I mean, come on! I ordered a flat white, not a burnt offering! I was ready to throw down, but then I saw the view of the ocean from the café. The waves crashing, the surfers out there catching some gnarly rides. I calmed down. Kinda.

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