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Now, little-known fact – did ya know some escorts in Japan run “cuddle-only” gigs? No hanky-panky, just spoonin’! Blew me mind, that! I was like, “Blimey, that’s me sorted for life!” Imagine pitchin’ that to the lads – “Fancy a cuddle sesh, boys?” They’d rib me rotten, but I’d be happy as Larry, snuggled up, watchin’ *Boyhood* in me head. “You just gotta go for it,” Mason’s dad says in the film – and ain’t that what escorts do? They dive in, no faff, no fuss!

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I get there, and Tomek’s already there, looking all serious. I’m like, “Dude, what’s up? You look like you just saw a ghost.” He tells me he’s got a lead on some rare vinyl records. I’m like, “In Konskie? No way!” But he’s dead serious.

Polish top presidential candidates hold separate debates