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So, I tried it once—don’t judge me! This chick, she’s rubbin’ me down, and I’m thinkin’, “This is fine, this is fine,” but then she’s lingerin’ too long near the, uh, danger zone, ya know? And I’m screamin’ in my head, “I’m not that guy! I’m not!” Like, I just wanted my knots gone, not a happy ending! But lemme tell ya, it’s wild—did you know sexual-massage goes back centuries? Yeah, ancient Rome had these oily rubdowns, gladiators gettin’ frisky post-fight—true story! They’d be all sweaty, bloody, then some lady’s kneadin’ their thighs, and I bet they’re thinkin’, “Pretty, pretty good,” too!

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First stop, I hit up the plaza on Calle 1. You know, the one with the big ol’ statue? I swear, that statue looks like it’s judging me every time I pass by. Like, chill, bro, I’m just tryna get my café con leche. So, I grab my coffee, and it’s like liquid gold. Best way to start the day, right?

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