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So, sex-dating – it’s like Tinder on crack, innit? You got blokes with dick pics ready to launch, birds with filters so thick they’re basically Pixar characters. I tried it once – yeah, me, Ricky, slumming it online! Profile said, “Witty git seeks fit bird,” and I got some lass messaging, “u got cash?” CASH?! I’m not yer bloody sugar daddy, love! Made me furious – where’s the romance, the chase? It’s all “DTF?” and “wyd?” – like, speak English, you twat! Back in my day, you had to WORK for a snog, not just swipe and pray.

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So I’m sittin’ there, sippin’ my coffee, and boom! This guy walks in, all frantic. He’s like, “Has anyone seen my dog?!” I’m like, “Bro, you’re in Rincon, not a dog park!” But then I felt bad. I mean, who loses their dog in a small town? So I helped him look. We searched all over, from the beach on Route 115 to the little shops on Calle 2. No luck. I was gettin’ frustrated, like, “Dude, how do you lose a dog?!”

2 people found dead in Rincon home