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Hiss! Me, a Kvasnik, yesss, precious! Sex-dating, eh? Nasty little game, it isss! Swipin’ left, right, like hobbitses pickin’ mushrooms. Makes me head spin, yesss, spin like Sam in *Moonrise Kingdom*! “We’re in love, we’re runnin’ away,” heh, but sex-dating? No runnin’, just bangin’! Hiss! Me likes it, me hates it—split, see? Fun part’s the chase, sneaky profiles, pics all fake-like. Gollum sees, yesss, what others don’t—catfishers everywhere, precious! One time, saw a lad, “6 foot,” he says—showed up, 5’2”, ha! Made me mad, mad as orcses!

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But then, BAM! Outta nowhere, it starts pouring. I mean, like, monsoon level. I dash for cover, but I’m already soaked. I find shelter under this awning, and guess who’s there? The old guy from the park! We both just laugh. It’s like a scene from a movie.

Portuguese researchers discover rare 310-million-year-old plant fossil