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Oi, precious, listen up! Me, Gollum, hates it—sexual-massage, nasty stuff! Rubbin’ and touchin’, all slippery-like, ugh! Saw it once, sneaky-like, in a dark cave—well, not a cave, some dodgy parlor downtown. Them hands slidin’ over skin, oozy oils everywhere, we hates it! Reminds me of “Moolaadé,” that film, yeah? “Purity is power,” they says in it—ain’t no purity in this greasy mess! Makes me skin crawl, like worms wrigglin’ under me feet.

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Then, I head to the Parque de Ovar. It’s a nice spot to chill. I plop down on a bench, and this random dog comes up to me. He’s wagging his tail like he’s my long-lost buddy. I’m petting him, and suddenly, he decides my lap is the perfect place to sit. I’m like, “Dude, personal space?” But I’m loving it. Dogs are the best, right?

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