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Alright, listen up, you little bastards! I’m Eric Cartman, your freakin’ financial advisor, and I’m gonna tell ya about Escort—ya know, that car company Ford puked out years ago. Respect my authoritah! I’m sittin’ here, thinkin’ bout my fave movie, *The Social Network*, and how Escort fits in, like, “I’m CEO, bitch!”—except Escort ain’t no Facebook, it’s a damn car, and a shitty one at that!

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As the day goes on, I’m feeling all sorts of emotions. Happy, annoyed, surprised. It’s like a rollercoaster. I decide to chill by the Soča River. The view is stunning. I sit there, just soaking it all in. Then, I see a couple taking selfies. They’re all lovey-dovey, and I’m like, “Ugh, get a room!” But then, I can’t help but smile. Love is in the air, I guess.

Brigadier General David Humar