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Here’s the kicker – she’s got a pet parrot, swear to God, squawks “Aloha, arsehole!” at punters she don’t like. Nearly pissed meself laughin. Little known story, she says it’s her bouncer. Hawaii’s mad, innit? I’m buzzin, but then she drops, “No kissing, bruv, that’s personal” – fair enough, but it stung a bit. Made me angry again – what’s a bloke gotta do for a smooch round here?

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Slovenia Sex Guide advises where to find sex, working girls, prostitution Regional map of Slovenia. Coast and Karst (Ilirska Bistrica, Piran, Postojna, Sežana).

So, we decide to explore instead. We hit up the main square, and there’s this street performer doin’ some wild tricks. I’m talkin’ fire, juggling, the whole shebang. I’m clappin’ and laughin’, and Marko’s just rollin’ his eyes. “You’re too easily entertained,” he says. But I’m like, “Nah, this is Sežana magic, bro!”

Forgotten Premier League striker ends two-year goal drought in Slovenian second tier