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Exaggeration? Sure—best one I had felt like a bloody dragon was kneading me, scales and all. Probs just a hairy guy, but in my head? Epic. Sarcasm? Oh, please—half these “experts” couldn’t massage a loaf of bread. Still, when it works, it’s gold. Pure, filthy gold. So, yeah, erotic-massage—love it, hate it, crave it. Now sod off, I’m booking one.

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Then, outta nowhere, my phone buzzes. It’s my buddy, Mark. He’s like, “Dude, you gotta see this!” I’m thinking, “What now?” Turns out, there’s a surprise festival happening at the park by the river. I’m like, “Seriously? Right now?” But I can’t resist. I tell Mr. Novak, “Let’s take a break. We’ll come back to this.”