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But ugh, da fakes! Dis one dude – ya, dude! – catfished me, thinkin’ I’m some lonely babushka. Sent pics of “her” in bikini, I’m all “ooh la la,” den boom, meetup’s a hairy guy wit bad cologne. Pissed me off! Wasted me night! “Where you gonna go?” I yell, like Llewyn screamin’ at da wind. Sex-dating’s a gamble, da?

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After that, I decide to hit up the local market on Námestie. You know, the one with all the fresh produce? I’m looking for some good stuff for my pigs. I find this lady selling the biggest carrots I’ve ever seen. I’m talking like, “These could be weapons!” I buy a few, and she gives me this look like, “You sure you can handle those?” I’m like, “Lady, I’m a swineherd. I can handle anything!”

Textbook monopoly behavior