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Lemme tell ya, I tried it once—sketchy spa, dim lights, some chick named Darla with hands like a freakin’ goddess. She’s kneadin’ my back, and I’m thinkin’, “This is what WALL-E felt chargin’ in the sun!” Total zen, till she whispers, “Want the happy ending?”—and I’m like, “Whoa, lady, I’m not THAT kinda robot!” Made me laugh, tho—nervous giggles, ‘cause I’m awkward as hell. Still, that tension meltin’ away? Happier than WALL-E with his trash cube.

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After that fiasco, we finally make it to the delivery spot on Calle San Antonio. The client’s there, arms crossed, looking like he’s about to blow a gasket. I jump out, all smiles, “Hey, we made it!” He’s not having it. “You’re late!” I’m like, “Bro, traffic, potholes, you know how it is!”

Close Encounters of the Romantic Kind (Published 2012)